Thanks for sharing your concern with us.
Your expression of being a gay is very shaky. We all have different life situations. You need to understand that your own life situation can only be handled by you asper you.
Seems you are undergoing severe psychological conflicts. Kindly consider taking a professional help ASAP, that will be definitely beneficial in your case.
In case you want to maintain the confidentiality you can reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org